There was a time, a year or two ago maybe, when I really started to
question who I was and what I stood for. Looking back, I feel really
silly and sad for my year-or-two-ago self. Then again, I don't think I'd
be where I'm at without that person.
I started wondering if this
whole "God" thing was just too much. I mean, why was he expecting me to
be all perfect all the time and live up to these impossible standards?
And if he loved me sooo much why was it He never told me? I mean, I had
these religious fanatics everywhere telling me He did. The Bible said He
did. But was it too much to ask he tell me in person, face to face? Why
was it whenever I was suffering, hurting, or feeling lost all I felt
was his absence and not his presence like all of my Jesusfreak friends boasted about.
It's kind of crazy, because prior to all this I considered myself one
of those Jesusfreaks. But I just hit this wall when I wondered, if God
is sooo close to my friends why does he feels so distant from me? What if it's all in their heads?
Truth was, I really wasn't pulling my own weight at that time. I didn't
pray that often, maybe not at all except at meals. I didn't touch my
Bible. My mind drifted in church. Every time I saw one of my friends
post a Bible verse on Facebook I just kept scrolling.
It was like
the farther I drifted the more I realized how completely surrounded I
was by God. You'd think I'd realize that was God trying to talk to me.
Trying to get me to listen to Him. To realize His presence and His
power. I just called it all empty words and went on my way.
I never really stopped believing, I still called Jesus my Savior, but I was as far from God as I'd ever been. And I was miserable.
I missed Him. But I had blocked off all of the ways God usually spoke
to me. I alienated myself and I blamed it on God. Then I had a Jonah
moment. I realized how far God would go to keep me in His arms. I didn't
realize until then how hard it was to try to run from God.
I was supposed to be reading my Bible for school. But I just didn't feel
like it. It didn't help I was assigned one of those really long, dull
"And Hezekiah begot Barthlemew who begot…" chapters. I was stumped as
why I should care about these old dead guys.
It was at that moment I remember casting my eyes up and thinking very loudly God,
I know you love me. And if you are all that You say You are than I love
you, too. But right now I feel like I'm talking to the dust on my
ceiling. Talk to me. Say anything, say something. Because I feel really
alone right now.
As always, I was listening to my iPod. Now, I
don't usually listen to country music. But I had let it play whatever
songs and I wasn't paying attention enough to skip anything over. So I
feel like it was a legitimate miracle the minute I was done with my
prayer, Write This Down by George Strait started playing. In case you
don't know, it starts like this,
I never saw the end in sight; fools are kind of blind.
Thought everything was going alright, but I was running out of time.
'Cause you had one foot out the door, I swear I didn't see
But if you're really going away, here's some final words from me.
Now, when you ask God to speak to you and He says, in George Strait's
voice, "If you're going away here's some words from me" YOU LISTEN. I
froze in my seat and listened with perfect awe-inspired rapt attention.
Baby, write this down, take a little note
to remind you in case you didn't know,
Tell yourself "I love you and I don't want you to go"
write this down.
And I started bawling. I cried all over my Bible. Teardrops fell in my coffee. I'm not a crier, so that's a big deal.
I grew up in Christianity. I never had that mountaintop moment. Until then. But God wasn't done yet.
Take my words, read 'em every day,
keep 'em close by, don't you let 'em fade away,
So you'll remember what I forgot to say, write this down.
There I was, Bible right in front of me. I had a pen and school notebook, too.
I couldn't believe it. I'd asked God to tell me he loved me and he did
just that, and more. So I said, out loud during the instrumental break,
"Honestly? I just can't believe…you love me that much? I just..I can't…I don't deserve…"
I'll sign it at the bottom of the page, I'll swear under oath
'Cause every single word is true, and I think you need to know,
So use it as a bookmark, stick it on your 'frigerator door,
Hang it in a picture frame up above the mantel where you'll see it for sure.
If you don't think God speaks to His people, that He loves them, and
that He hears every word we pray, let me tell you with absolute
certainty. He does.
Oh I love you and I don't want you to go, baby write this down.
I haven't wavered, haven't doubted since then. I pray I never do. I
don't mind if this goes unread and unheard. But I do believe God works
in cool ways, so if this helps anybody, if I can be anybody's George
Strait and let God use me to tell His people He loves them, that would
make my day.
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